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They’re taking your energy and giving you nothing in return.

NOTHING.

force does not compel belief

Socrates

listen to your heart

bee

keep marching brave soldiers

emotions

choose to survive

I once met a guy who fell down a million times but he always got back up, so that means you can do it, too

force does not compel belief

force does not compel belief.

however the fear of pissing someone off will keep you second guessing your entire life.

my coworkers dread the possibility they might choose incorrectly and piss off the wrong person, so they avoid responsibility completely. as long as it's not their ass on the line, they'll do it. but as soon as it rests on them, they hesitate.

anyone who operates like this signals to me they were hit by their parents as punishment. my heart aches for them.

they'll defer to me with the same expectation that a mistake will summon some fury within me.

but they misinterpret my demeanor.

as a child I would purposely irritate my dad to piss him off so he'd pay attention to me. I don't fear pissing off temper tantrum adult toddlers.

my first memory is my dad chasing me yelling "I'm going to get you!" and I was exhilarated.

I used to really like Bugs Bunny he would always be pissing off characters like my dad.

"ain't I a stinka" xD

it's crazy because these types like my dad, with fragile triggers to rage, accumulate fearful obedience exponentially.

in fact, if they are anything like my dad, they'll purposely provoke emotions to maintain a sort of perverted reassurance of their "dominance."

my dad told me he was "so fucking jealous" of my accomplishment with my house before he killed my dog.

he was fishing for a reaction.

you have to kill my dog before I consider violence (and it will be swift, final violence you'll never expect, with most befitting poetic justice because I have aesthetic appreciation, and you would do all the heavy lifting for me, because I am efficient.)

even then, I hold it in.

I use anger, I don't let anger use me.

tantrums destroy.

I hate destruction. I prefer creation. Much more productive.

I convert the energy, redirect it.

I make stuff.

"so mantard, you just let people walk over you?"

I mind my own business.

And they self destruct.

bee

I drank two cups of coffee this morning

instead of one

I am buzzing

I calm myself and refocus

recalibrate

I am moving strange shapes

into their new positions

they make circular patterns

like the pedals of a flower

blossoming spiral expansion outwards

when I peel apart each pedal from the blossom

and try to line them up straight along the wall

they no longer fit together

unorganizable

only while spiraling outwards do they harmonize

I keep moving

I keep moving

even when I don't know the way

because time keeps moving

I can course correct

when the information comes

but I keep moving

regretfully another breath

deeper into uncertainty

but I must keep moving

no matter how slowly

I keep momentum

some day I will arrive

I show up

and I give everything inside me

even if there's nothing in there

and I don't whine about it

I outwork everyone standing

with their hands in their pockets

and they go home to their families

I don't feel like I belong

yet they look to me for what to do

so I lead them

man, I want a family

that would be really cool actually

people who don't kill my dog

or fuck with my brain

but just see me

I keep moving

someday I will arrive

I don't know how I'll get there

I will align the stars if I must

tie a rope around the moon and pull

while live-tweeting

I just keep showing up each day

and offering all of the best inside me

eventually

the immortals in heaven

will give me a crumb

to sustain upon for another decade

until then I just keep moving

I once met a guy who fell down a million times but he always got back up, so that means you can do it, too

I once met a guy who fell down a million times but he always got back up, so that means you can do it, too.

if someone bickers,

or tries to bicker,

or expects bickering

as a normal way to communicate,

it's low self esteem.

they aren't incompetent.

they just don't believe there a more appropriate way to get their wants and needs met.

they may not even realize

there is a better way.

same with temper tantrums.

same with violent outbursts.

that’s what worked with their parents.

so that’s what they use

with everyone they encounter.

they never grow.

they never learn more appropriate ways.

what if nothing worked to get needs met as a child?

what if the kid is ignored by mom and dad?

what if the parents are sadistic and laugh at their kid's pain instead of compassion?

if crying kicking and screaming does nothing how does such a kid get their wants and needs met?

firstly, admitting the reality of such a hellish situation would be fatal to child. it is impossible to live without wants and needs being met.

so they distort reality.

the smallest morsels become massive.

they misinterpret their world to be a happier place than it really is. to survive.

there's a wonderful character

she embodies this situation:

Little Misfortune (2019)

she lives amongst demons in hell,

but is clueless about it.

she lives in her imagination.

another who comes to mind

is the very real hero Jordin Turpin.

she broke out of a prison house of diabolical neglect to free her brothers and sisters.

(https://youtu.be/wngB9_6Vqbc)

what works for these kids is imagination, obliviousness, self reliance.

so they do that as an adult.

when they see others kicking and screaming at each other in frustration, they are bewildered.

they don't know what they've been missing, but they know throwing a fit is meaningless.

may you find the puzzle pieces you need to navigate out of your maze.

listen to your heart

I am blind in one eye because at the age of 5 my parents were too busy partying, getting drunk, and flirting with their friends to check on their flesh and blood child for hours

I blamed myself until I was 30

it's my fault.

I should have been more careful.

me, the 5 year old.

the reason mom throws away my legos is my fault.

I'm just not good enough

there's something wrong with me

and that's why I suck at face to face conversations

my fault

until I was 30

there was someone I met when I was 19 who told me "it's ok, it's just an eye. it doesn't matter to me." which I never heard before.

not from my parents. nobody.

they didn't see me struggling.

invisible

she came from a similar home, although much darker.

we met at a LAN party and talked on msn messenger for months.

and one day I asked her to be my girlfriend. she said "yeah, duh"

we spent most of every day together online, and every night.

safe to get to know each other online

we made pixel art and pencil drawings, poems and music

we'd put on the same album and press play at the same time, so it's like we were right there with each other (msn messenger showed the song you were listening to as your status)

after two years of this we became one entity

we eventually got the courage to spend time together irl

first hug, first kiss, first holding hands

we watched movies and did urban exploring

we talked about marriage, kids, and moving to France or Japan.

a more innocent love had never been seen on earth and never shall.

so we work up the courage to tell our parents about the relationship.

to this point we kept it a secret. a secret to precious to share with our stupid parents.

and chaos erupted.

no parent involved was happy.

grown ups throwing temper tantrums.

death threats.

busted computers.

ripped up drawings.

my mom, worried I will make the same "mistake" as her and get pregnant and never finish college says

"If you truly love her, you will wait."

and I listened to my idiot mom instead of my heart.

I messenged her one last time "everything will be ok, I love you" with a kitten I drew

I forced myself to not talk to her.

to break the daily habit.

to amputate her presence from my heart to get through the day.

everything inside me fighting against it.

but I eventually got the rhythm.

"i will use this time to improve so when we reunite it will be worth it."

(the relationship between Peter Keating and Catherine Halsey in The Fountainhead)

after two years

she is in the halls of my college

we walk up to each other

she says "fuck you n*gger"

and walks away

i am crushed

I go on msn messenger and she tells me she found someone else

I trusted our love would survive but she gave up.

I drift in an aimless self hatred for many years.

it's all my fault.

I seek a numbing solace in humiliation and self degradation

I escape into work

I don't even begin to think of maybe finding someone else

nobody measures up anyways

25 I buy my first house.

I get a dog named Socrates.

the adventures of a lonely desperate confused self hating boy and his puppy.

memory of her is buried and ignored to not feel it.

try to go thru the motions of a one night stand one night and it is unbearable.

I still love her.

I reach out to her and tell her I still love her.

she is a completely different person.

manic. possessed. says everyone keeps trying to fuck her.

she starts mocking me and my work by saying "brb, gotta go to work"

I just want to talk to her.

I ask her "do you still love me?"

"no."

ever since I have resolved to move on.

no matter how ugly the process is

no matter how much I need to learn about psychology

that's when I finally discover my emotions, the concept of self esteem, and proceed to pull myself together

but no matter what I do, there is a missing piece of me.

there's always a part of me still waiting.

"If you truly love her, you will wait"

she is always there.

haunting me.

for better or worse.

that's how grief works

my decision to not follow my heart ruined her entire life

it is my fault

so I do not say these words lightly:

do not hesitate

listen to your heart

keep marching brave soldiers

keep marching brave soldiers

make your pathway flawless

"I don't know... are you sure?"

"yes."

(I'm not sure but I will pay my dues if I am wrong)

everybody asking me what to do today

i gotta keep 'em coordinated

I don't like to use my words to command but people listen to me and want direction

I don't hesitate

I decide as fast as I can and commit

hesitation causes opportunities to die

so people follow me because i seem to know the way, show the way, and go the way

and i can sit with the isolation of that initiative

I lead with a heavy heart which no one may see

reluctantly because nobody else will step forward

I lead as a form of self hatred

with no dignity left for myself

as someone worthless and undeserving of love

it's not a proper method but it works for everyone else

what took all week last week we accomplished in 2 hours today

because i organized everyone and put them in their appropriate position with an appropriate goal

war is fun

don't get it twisted

I trust the big boss upstairs puts me in the best position to get His work done in the same way I can my co-workers

I just show up and do my work

I don't take any credit

when the work is done

everyone says about themselves "look what I accomplished!"

and I say good job.

I can't accept thanks

recognition is uncomfortable

their thanks is not real

their recognition is pretend.

I expect to be the blame.

when things go wrong, it is my fault

even when it's not my fault, I insist

that was my fault

if someone gets in trouble blame me.

tell them I told you to do it that way

I'll take responsibility for it, don't worry

choose to survive

battling depression is hard

it's a condition which comes about when thinking the same thoughts

over and over

rumination

walking over the same patch of ground

as the other paths grow over with grass

the way out is exposure to new things

new stuff to think about

force yourself to become exposed to new stimulation

for me, a big thing was to go on a walk

leave the house

go in a random direction

get new sensations

let the old sensations go

trust me, the valuable memories will remain

even after you stop thinking about them every day

let go

while depressed, the color is gone

nothing seems interesting

we fail to appreciate what's right in front of us

it's not your fault

your mind retreats from the overwhelming present

you hold desperately to the old way

to bring the color back you must seek new stimuli

catch yourself when you are ruminating

you need to notice when you're thinking the same old thoughts again

because those thoughts are a habit

trying to enact the habit

when the situation is gone

it's fruitless

a self-reinforcing negative feedback loop of disappointment

instead you must plunge into the new

the unexplored unfamiliar

if god could pick you up by your shirt

and plop you down in a different city

a thousand miles away with a different culture

this would be the ideal way to heal from depression

but you can approximate this with media

Robin Crusoe keeps a list of his blessings

to "save himself from a daily pouring over" of his pitiful condition

do an inventory of your blessings

literally count the things you are grateful for

and remind yourself that it could be worse

it can always be even worse than it is right now

i may not be perfect

i have a few inner wounds to mend

and i'm not an expert about depression

but i know what worked for me to emerge from that dark cloud of rain

and at least enjoy being alive

and now when i encounter the unexpected

i barely miss a beat

and keep moving upwards

depression is very much a survival scenario

you have lost much

but tally up what you still have

and thank God you still have that

and even if you've lost everything,

do not lose the will to survive

despair is fatal

choose to survive

choose to live

you can conquer depression

i believe in you

i'm rooting for you

you can do it

i feel it in my bones

choose to survive

emotions

growing up I had an adversarial relationship with my emotions.

I firmly believed I was exclusively either rational or emotional.

rational good, emotional bad.

nobody taught me about emotions.

(though I did see being angry is destructive watching my dad throw temper tantrums)

no show of emotion ever got me anything as a child

the day after my first surgery i couldn't open my eyes, i just wanted to eat my cereal and i couldn't see anything. i was bawling. "i can't open my eyes!" my parents literally ignored me.

emotions seemed worthless.

worse than worthless, they were inconvenient

consumed by emotions I couldn't get anything done.

i never learned to identify them, what a waste

instead, i learned that if I bury them deep enough, I can get through the day and nobody will notice.

I had a very low resolution understanding of emotions.

happy, sad, scared, mad

not surprisingly, I had no satisfying results in my life.

my interior world was a stranger to me.

i didn't see the connection between my miserable life and my stupid emotions that wouldn't go away.

my preferred method to not feel emotions was to deep dive into rabbit holes. abstractions upon abstractions upon abstractions. dysfunctional abstractions in my head. rumination. thought structures atop thought structures. rationalization to kill emotions.

stacks and stacks of broken emotionless thought structures

hahaha how the fuck did I even make anywhere at all in life without acknowledging an entire half of me???

i don't know.

anyways at the bottom depths of my desperate depression I vowed to aim myself upwards and learn about this stuff.

i'm no expert. this is just what works for me.

how do I know what is real?

my nervous system.

where do my thoughts come from?

my sensory organs.

my guts don't make thoughts. my heart doesn't make thoughts. my lungs don't make thoughts.

there is a speed to my decision making which roughly correlates to how civilized I am.

It seems ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. and to make sense of this speed dimension of data processing, I think about it symbolically, although the actual science is probably different

all of that sensory data is summed instantly into an emotion.

a feeling.

it provides a context to give color to decision making.

all i'm trying to do is

make good decisions.

my body wants me to make as informed decisions as possible.

i can ignore my body

or i can listen.

the first gate the sense data goes through is lizard level.

the basal ganglia.

is this surprising data?

or is this expected?

this is where the very primal emotions happen.

this gate is the first gate so that i can react quickly and move away from surprise danger.

if I wait to act, the data goes to the next gate. the dog level.

the limbic system.

it's a bit more sophisticated context, but not much.

very simply, is it painful or pleasurable?

do I fear it or am I curious?

distrust it or trust it?

i can compare it to similar past data

if i'm still patient to decide, the data reaches the monkey level.

the neo cortex, where there are specialized lobes to add many sorts of context.

these roughly answer the main questions:

who? what? where? when? why?

the insular lobe providing colorful emotional context.

and if I remain absolutely calm to decide on the sensory nerve data, I can contemplate the contexts themselves on a layer of emergent abstraction.

finances, religion, philosophy, ideals, beauty, the soul

who am I? i am mantard. i'm driving this bundle of nerves and muscles.

I must integrate this data.

I can choose to ignore it.

But if I want to make the best decisions I can possibly make, I must use all of the data.

when I integrate it all into one unified whole, that is when I feel my strongest sense of self.

my mantra:

I pull myself together with the power to know my own thoughts.

who what where when why how

I am light

Nobody can be mantard better than me.

If my body wants to but I don't, then we won't.

If I want to but my body doesn't, then we will.

One day at a time.

but anyways, back specifically to emotions themselves. there's more than just the four emotions happy sad mad angry.

the cultural sewer of the present doesn't do much at all to help understand emotions.

so they seem unintelligible, dark mysterious monsters, irreducible primaries not to be questioned. unknowable demons.

the greeks personified the emotions. grand idea

(i need to read more about this because I don't know about more than Eris lol)

but just to show more specific emotions:

there are charts that really break down emotions and organize them, which I think is interesting, but probably not necessary to be integrated with my own emotions.

what I do find useful is the more specific names to really get a high resolution of the feeling.

the blue chart below is my absolute favorite chart of emotions.

I reference it frequently when I'm feeling something I can't describe.

when I was first learning about my emotions I used this all the time, but I have eventually learned how to identify them without reference.

here's what i do

I used to have to do this daily but now it's somewhat automatic.

I have 45 minutes set aside (usually before work)

I sit with a notebook.

I ask myself "How am I doing? What do I feel?"

and I scan the list.

I like this list because it's in a random order.

and i'll scan the list until one sticks out that's like

"yeah, I kinda feel that"

or if I don't know what the emotion means, I'll look it up lol. the wikipedia articles on each emotion are actually amazing.

but i'll end up with a list of about 15 emotions

for example rn:

able

calm

cautious

capable

careful

concerned

determined

inspiring

optimistic

preoccupied

reassured

sincere

useful

willing

there's usually a bit of overlap

but there's usually two or three categories

then i look at this list and it's like, ok, able, that makes sense. calm. yes. cautious. why do I feel cautious.

then I think about what are the conditions that are evoking this feeling.

let's see

I'm feeling cautious because there's a level of responsibility I'm taking on by presenting this information, if I get something wrong, it might lead someone astray, and I don't want to do that. so I feel cautious.

my guts, my nerves, my gallbladder, they align to help me succeed

now this is all fine and dandy when I'm in a halfway decent mood

but what about when the feelings are overwhelming?

let me go get a picture of the one i have printed by my bed lol

the process is the same.

first I make a point to feel it.

childhood me would do anything to not feel it. so I have to purposely feel it.

I stop what I'm doing, or when I get a moment to myself. I feel it.

as ugly and painful I feel it.

then I ask, what is this feeling?

why did I feel grief-stricken?

and after someone shows me a small bit of affection?

Oh. it's because my mom hates me.

i'm grieving the loss of the mom i thought i had.

(i couldn't reach these conclusions so fast at first, it would take weeks and it would really effect me)

but the processing speed improves.

and the best part.

once I feel the emotion and hear that truth it's trying to point out to me

IT GOES AWAY.

and I return to homeostasis, free to continue forward.

it's so much better than burying it.

this is the appropriate way.

again, i'm not an expert.

this is just what works for me.

there's more I can say about emotions but I'll save it for another day, this is more than enough to digest for now i think

may you find the missing puzzle pieces you need to navigate your maze

Socrates

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